Funny true stories are taken from my diary, The Diary of a First Grade Teacher. Need to know something? Ask a first grader ... They know everything!
Stevie ran to me pointing across the classroom. “That girl, Amy … She tried to throw up on me! But I scooted my chair back FAST, and she missed!”
“Amy!” I said, rushing over to her. I took her arm and helped her avoid stepping in a spot on the floor.
“That’s okay,” I reassured her.
I asked my assistant to take her to the nurse and to please call her mother.
Amy wrinkled her little nose. “No, my momma’s at work. Call my daddy.”
“Sure thing!” my assistant said, looking at Amy. “Where’s your daddy? Is he at work?”
Amy shook her scrunched pale face. “No, he's over at the church."
Gagging, but trying not to throw up again, she continued, "My daddy don’t work ... He’s a preacher.”
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lol - Poor Amy! I'm sorry she was sick, but that was so funny. I can hardly wait to tell her daddy - one of the hardest-working people I know - that she thinks he doesn't work!
But with kids, you just can NEVER guess what they're thinking!
I was so embarrassed! I wanted to crawl under a rug and hide, but I couldn't find one!
Today, I was on hall duty next to the boys’ bathroom. And my principal was introducing me to our school district's new superintendent of education.
Suddenly Martin - one of my first graders - ran out of the bathroom shouting. “Teacher, come quick! You ain’t gunna believe this!”
Oh, and I could tell the news wasn't going to be good.
“Hurry up!" he yelled, dancing up and down. "Somebody POOED on the pee-mode!”
Some of my funny true stories aren't so funny. But, like me, I hope you can appreciate where the first graders are coming from ...
I found Joe Joe’s first grade report card crumpled up, down on the classroom floor. So I knew I had to have “a talk” with him.
“See this? What happened?”
His Reading grade - which was U for Unsatisfactory - had been rubbed out. Now only a wet, ugly hole remained in that spot.
He sank in the chair beside me, the picture of utter despair.
I tapped an impatient finger on the report card.
“Oh, that,” he finally muttered. “That’s … that’s where I forgot and spit.”
Tommy, who's tall and lanky, seldom sits up correctly in his seat for very long - and I'm concerned because often he tries to sleep in class.
Today, I tried to keep him focused on the new reading vocabulary lesson. To see if he was paying attention, I said ...
“We're supposed to be having a discussion right now. What does discussion mean?"
Slowly, he rubbed his eyes. “Well, around my house, it means my ol' man’s gunna whoop ya.”
I asked him why he called his dad, “my ol' man.”
“That ain’t nothing,” he replied. “Everybody does it.”
“Everybody?” I questioned. “So it’s all right for me to call him that, too?”
His brows shot up, and he blinked rapidly. “Well, but he ain’t your ol' man.”
“Now, Tommy, does your dad really allow you to call him that?”
“Sure,” he said. Then his slumped back stiffened, and he sat up tall and straight. “But NOT when he's around!"
* * *
Now, where else could I hear funny true stories like these? First graders can ALMOST get it all straight - and that's precisely what makes them so unique and adorable at this age!